helloharmony

I last visited the blogging world of Livejournal. That's more than 7 months ago.
I feel the time to say goodbye to this livejournal, since so much has happened and it'd take about that much time to recount.
So many people have come in and out of my life, and so many great and terrible things have transpired.
I've felt like I needed a change for a while, and this is that change.
Read the future.

I want cancer to be cured for my grandpa.

 I have tried to forget about being with him. I have tried simply to not love him. Or to not love him as much. I've tried to move past it. I've tried to date other people.

But I can't. He still is on my mind and still has my heart, completely.

And he knows it.

UGH. I hate getting up early. I like staying up as long as I can get the sleep to make up for it.

I'm a realist. People tell me I'm pessimistic about a lot of things, but I'm really not...I just realize that not everything is perfect al the time, that sometimes things go wrong or cannot be fixed.

Hmmmm. If I have a book, I read. But I do that all the time anyways. =] I text alot, or just doodle and write random things. I'll mess with my nails or hair or make lists of things I need to get or do. Or fantasize. I do that alot too. =]

Dishonesty. Disloyalty. I'm not a big fan of smokers but I could deal with it. If I'm not trusted. Too clingy or possessive. Not paying enough attention (I don't wanna be center of the universe I just don't want to be ignored). There's a few more...  Cheaters, poor hygiene.. DRUGGIES. I have no patience, tolerance, or sympathy for you AT ALL. Drinking I can deal with so long as its not excessive. Keeping me seperate from the rest of your life--friends and family. If you're REALLY friendly with other girls, I don't like that. I know how girls are, I AM one. Being super friendly with ex girlfriends when the girl has alterior motives. Demanding things...sexual or otherwise.

Haha, livejournal admins, HAHA.

 

You forgot to take down your test =]

Cell phones, because people text and drive.

I made my livejournal at a kind of crazy time, and I wanted to be able to vent without anyone I know knowing it was me and knowing I was venting about them (for instance, if one of my best friends pissed me off, and I needed to talk about it to get over it, but couldn't tell the person).

It was also a time when I wanted to be happy, like really truly completely at peace with myself happy, so, harmony.

I'd ask my dog..

Why do you love me so unconditionally?

What is it like to be you?

What are you scared of?

If I let you leave me and go whereever you wanted, where would you want to? Or would you want to?

Why did you attach yourself to ME, not Dad or Sara or Mom, when you were rescued and brought to our house? (Not that I mind. I adore you.)

It depends, on who I'm talking to, and how much I have to say. If it's a long thing, I'll talk. If it's just a quick question or I know you can't pick up but easily can text, Ill text.

It's easier for me to open up in a text, because I can't get verbally rejected..which somehow makes that easier.

Also, Since I got unlimited txt in the ending months of '08, I utilize it. I guess making up for lost time? Hmm. I only really ever text about 15 people steadily.

Sometimes though, to catch up with people, or if I have something seriously important to say, I'll call. I'd much rather spend twenty minutes talking to my mom about her day than an hour texting.

 SO Ive moved again. To the extended stay america.

 

Hopefully this is the last move...

So lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. And I know that under no circumstances should I take him back. But I love him, still, and some stupid part of me still wants to make it work out (the part of me that insists everything can be okay if you just push it hard enough.)

I forwarded one of the more lovey, promising texts he had sent to me that I found at the bottom of my saved box, to him, along with a line at the bottom that said, So what exactly happened to that? He sent back, I don't know what happened but you're still a good girl. I replied, Yeah, but obviously now good enough for the person I want.

That was two days ago and I have no reply.

So he knows how I feel, and he knows that obviously I am not okay with this. And now that he's been put on the spot and can't justify it, he's just not saying anything.

That doesn't help at all.

I am still really really in love with him.
I hate the way it was at the end, but I really thought we could have worked it out.
I wonder what if, and it makes me want to try again.
I know I shouldn't want to. I know it won't ever be the same.
But I miss him so much and I remember how happy I was when we were together, and now I'm trying to get over him, and I can't and I don't want to.


I know I sound melodramatic.
But that's kinda how life is.

It's very bad. Especially when those things that I want are people, that I should not want any more, and most def cannot HAVE any more. Maybe ever again.

College is boring.

And since the fire I can't get back into the swing of things.

(Oh right, didn't post about that.
OK.
BRIEF RUNDOWN.
My old apt complex caught on fire. It started one down and over from my actual apartment. My things are alright, they were just covered in insulation, and when we were let back in to salvage, I left some things I wanted. I was not harmed, and neither were my roommates. Sadly, two girls DID die, and one is in serious condition still in the hospital.)

Anyways.
Can't focus. Sleeping weird. Eating weird. Being even less productive than normal.

But I hear that's expected. =\

As it turns out.
It didn't work out.
We broke up.
During Christmas break.
And I wasted my whole break on him, not seeing friends I wanted to, and arguing.
For nothing.
It was a mutual thing but more from his side.
He couldn't keep some promises, went back on lots of concrete, serious plans.
So we talked.
I said it didn't seem like he was as interested anymore and that by that point it was fine, but I wanted to know.
I didn't want to be strung along.
He said he still was, but I didn't (and don't still) really believe him.
And this was the outcome.
And we're trying to stay friends.
Cause I don't want to lose one of my best friends on top of the best thing I ever had.
But it's hard.
You can't just give yourself so completely to someone, have to pull it all back, and have all these boundaries, all after just a few words.
It doesn't work like that.





I'm still in love with him.
And some small part in the back of my brain is thinking, what if we hadn't had to talk, and just tried to work things out?

So he is officially really missing me. =] Not that he wouldn't, but it's nice that he does. He sent me two letters too, and finally has his apartment issues straightened out, so he can get letters from me now too.

ANNNND.

He's really, really wanting to stay together. Like, past school.

He graduates in a year, and is thinking he wants to get an apartment up here with me while I'm still in school. Which would be amazing, if we are together then. The only thing is, I don't want some golden opportunity to come along for his career or further education, and him to turn it down to live with me. I'd want to live with him, but if we couldn't, then I would push for the long distance thing some more.

We talked about this, too, and it ended up in both of us getting really upset because he didn't see my point of view and thought I was saying I didn't want to be with him when really I just don't want him to give things up for me. We calmed down and he was understanding, kinda. We decided not to talk seriously about it until he does graduate and we can actually do something about it.

But I still hope we can do it.♥

I will admit. College is a completely new experience. And some of it I'm not entirely sure I like. For instance, one of my roommates, who happens to LOVE drinking. And pot. And all those other drugs that are, oh, illegal. And feels a physical pull towards ANY boy. But there are good parts, like the new good friends I'm making. One of whom happens to be a boy. Who I like. A lot.

Part of the moving on in time that is also bad is M♥ being down in GA. But we I DID talk to him a few weeks before he left, and we ARE currently staying together and are going to continue to try. And he got a cell phone which helps billions.

But damn, shits is confusing.

But I'm also getting a job at Krogers (I'm just finishing up my training). So hopefully...more money VERY soon. And that means internet at the apartment instead of walking five minutes to the library every time I want to check something (which is NOT that bad, in retrospect.)

I. LOVE. IT.

I was so scared, and I don't even know why! (Well, I do actually, but it was for nothing.) Everything is going great. My roommates (Ashley, Rick, Alexis) are AWESOME (Rick is actually an Ashley but her last name is RICKARD, so...) Keyboarding and Composition are like the easiest things ever. They're basically what I learned in fourth grade, seriously. The actual travel classes are pretty easy so far, and I've even made a few friends. And I'm even doing okay being away from everyone. There are a couple kinks, but I'll iron them out when they get bad.